The Journals - A Phanfic
by feexbee
Summary: When Dan walks in on Phil reading his journal, all hell breaks loose. (Angst, fluff, and a tiny bit of smut but nothing too bad) Things are pretty short and sweet until Chapter 4 & 5, bear with me! This is my first phanfic, but not my first fan fic. Check out my others too! Plenty of Destiel to go around in my other stories. Please leave comments!
1. Caught Red Handed

Dan was on his way home from the shops, just walking and talking with PJ when he realized his mistake. He had left his journal on the couch AGAIN. What if Phil found it this time? Surely he wouldn't invade his privacy like that, right? He pulled out his phone and pretended to check the time. "Hey PJ, you know I love chatting with you," He looked over at him, "But would you care if I took a cab back? I'm sort of in a hurry. I have a thing with Phil."

"Yeah, no problem!" He said, shooing him off. "It was nice seeing you!"

He waved down a car and hopped in. It'd be much quicker than walking, wouldn't it?

He'd left his journal on the couch plenty of times before but he'd never noticed anything different about it's placement or pages. Surely Phil still had no idea how badly he had fallen for him yet. Yet. One day he wouldn't be able to resist the temptation. HE WOULD READ IT. And Dan knew that. He felt like he was playing with fire. He had to be better about this...

He rushed to the front door, opening it quickly and flying up the stairs. He unlocked the main door quietly though, still suspicious. Dan snuck through the house until he laid eyes on his worst nightmare. "Phil, what are you doing?!" He shrieked. "You know that's MY journal!"

"Dan I'm so sorry-!" He yelled back, tossing the journal across the love seat. "I'm so so so sorry. I was just so curious. I have a journal too! I just wanted to know if-" He stopped himself immediately. "I'm so sorry." He said again.

"Save it. You disgust me." He spat the words out at him, walking to the edge of the couch and snatching up the book. "Don't talk to me." He pushed past him almost violently, bruising himself and Phil in the process. He went to his room, more pissed off than he'd ever been in his entire life. "I can't believe you!" He yelled plopping on his bed.

Phil raised his hands in his face. "Oh my god..." He whispered to himself as he moped to his bedroom as well.


	2. The Cupboard Doors

Dan turned into the kitchen from the hall and sighed. Phil had left nearly every thing unturned. He didn't mind cleaning up after him some times. But he'd been particularly obnoxious about his kitchen trails lately. "There's no reason for this, Phil!" Dan shouted. The echo from the stiff walls traveled in to the next room.

"No reason for what?" Phil replied, walking leisurely through the flat toward Dan's voice.

"Why must you leave the cupboard doors open every time you use them?"

"Why does it make you so angry?" Phil played into his anger this time. He'd always found it so cute when Dan got angry. His little baby cheeks got so flushed and Phil ate it up. He raised his hand from inside the cereal box he was currently eating from, and shoveled some in to his mouth, still half ass-edly listening to Dan's complaint.

"Why must you do it over and over again when you know it infuriates me?" He stepped closer to the other man and pointed a finger at Phil."It's like you enjoy seeing me pissed off."

Phil cracked the smallest smile, just enough for Dan to notice. "What if I said I did?" He took another handful of cereal to his mouth.

Dan shifted uncomfortably, leaning his weight against the island of the kitchen. "Not this again. Come on, Phil."

Dan had realized quickly that this had all been a ploy to get him upset in the first place. Phil had been doing this for years of course, but he never understood why. "Tell me why." He demanded.

Still chewing, Phil replied, "Because you're just so adorable when you're angry."

Dan rolled his eyes. "Phil, we've talked about this. This can't happen. We're not talking about this. At all. Ever." He brushed past him, their shoulders connecting just slightly as he moved further away.

"Why not? What can't happen? We can't talk about your journal? Enlighten me. Honestly, if only you knew the inner turmoil I've got going on too... It's nothing to be ashamed of, Dan."

Dan didn't really know what to say, but he found himself speaking any way. "Because I would have a problem with it. What don't you get about that?" Instantly he regretted saying anything at all. Why couldn't he just keep his mouth shut for once?

A million thoughts seemed to go through Phil's mind, but only one surfaced: pain. He suddenly clammed up from the conversation. "Sorry." He mumbled, and looked to the kitchen counter. He turned away and raised his brows all in one motion.

"Phil-"

"It's fine." He said, sighing. "I get it. You know it, I know it, but your head's up your ass and you're scared. I understand completely."

Dan rested his hand on the frame of the door. "Phil, look. I'm sorry... We can talk about it some day. Soon even," His tone raised a bit, "... Just not today, alright?" He offered. He knew there was no taking back the mean words he'd uttered before and especially on that night he'd walked in on Phil reading his journal. _'You digust me'_ rang over and over in his head just like it probably did inside of Phil's.

Phil pulled out his phone, ignoring Dan's every word by this point.

Phil: Can we get coffee?

Louise: Be there in ten.

"Phil I'm sorry!" He insisted. "I'm just not ready. Not today."

"To talk about what? The journal? Mine or yours? We need to get this out in the open. We live together. We have for years. There's no use hiding it anymore! From our fans, from our families, or ourselves. This isn't healthy!" Phil exclaimed, visibly irked now.

Dan hated when Phil yelled. It didn't fit his usually bubbly personality. It scared him sometimes even. He lifted himself away from the door frame and made his way to his room, not uttering another word. "I can't handle the yelling. Can't do that today either." He said, quietly as he left space they'd shared for the conversation. "Sorry."


	3. Coffee Shop Scene

The coffee shop was particularly busy on that Tuesday after noon but it sort of comforted Phil at this point. The more people he was surrounded by the less he felt people were looking at him and how pathetic his facial expression probably was. Where was Louise? They were supposed to meet here at noon.

He ordered his coffee, his usual, and waited at the end of the barista's bar for his name to be called. He looked around, checking all the entrances and exits every couple of seconds to scope out Louise as she arrived. As the barista called his name, she walked in. He made his way over to her and waved weakly. "Hi there."

"What's got your panties in a bunch?" She teased him, but realized quickly that it was something serious. "It's Dan again isn't? Why can't he get his head out of his arse and deal with this?" She sighed longingly. "What happened?"

"Order your coffee first, Louise. It's no rush. Nothing's changing any time soon, right?" He offered a half smile, and motioned towards the cashier.

She ordered, and then quickly turned back to Phil. "Did you fight again?"

"As per usual lately. Any time I try to get him to open up with a little joke, or a small fragment of flirtation, he shuts down and starts yelling. I thought it was cute at first, but it's so exhausting when it's real. And it's real now. It's officially no longer any fun at all." He explained.

"I'm not sure there's much I can do to help other than maybe sit him down." She said, grabbing her drink from the counter and sipping it lightly. She saw panic on Phil's face. "I don't have to if you don't want!" She tried to redeem herself.

Phil shook his head. "He can't know that you know anything. He's under the impression that no one knows about his journal at all. Or that anyone has any idea of how I feel about him or how he feels about me."

"Oh. Well that surely complicates things. I texted him to ask if things were okay earlier. He called me. That's why I took so long. I invited him to join us."

"You didn't." Phil tilted his head back with a draining gasp.

"Hey guys." Dan approached from behind Phil. He put a hand on Phil's shoulder pretending everything was fine as best he could. He lifted his hand quickly though, and politely pushed through the pair to order his coffee. Afterward, he looked back at them. "Are you wanting to hit the shops in a bit? I know you wanted to see if we could find that new game for the channel. PJ and I never did find it." He looked to Phil for an answer.

Phil's stomach began to feel a bit wobbly. Dan's hair was pushed back ever so slightly. The perfect length he'd always had a soft spot for. His big brown eyes glaring up at him. "Oh. Um. Yeah, sure. That sounds good." He forced a smile. "I actually didn't know you were coming but I'm okay with shopping."

"You didn't know I was coming? You were just going to get coffee with Louise?" He asked, slightly hurt, which was just adding to the regret of their previous conversation.

"I just needed to talk to someone outside of our daily life you know?" Lie.

"Oh, I totally understand. Yeah, no problem." Dan said. Lie. "I can head off then if you'd like. Louise just called me and asked me to come so I thought... Maybe... I don't know." He was speaking in such quick spurts that even Dan himself couldn't keep up.

Phil sort of lunged forward with his hands, almost in need. "No, don't go. It's okay. I don't want you to feel left out or anything."

Louise met eyes with Phil. "Okay, Captain obvious. This was clearly my fault and I'm really sorry Dan. I didn't know he wanted to talk about things."

"Things?" Dan and Phil both glared at her speaking in unison.

"Things." Dan said the word again, more certain now. "You told her everything didn't you?" He rolled his eyes. "She knows absolutely everything."

Phil whimpered quietly. "I couldn't not tell her! I couldn't handle this all on my own!"

Dan stormed through the shop running his hand through his thick hair. "This is not the time or the place to be shouting such things." He said, angrily.

"You're acting like a child Daniel!" Louise shouted after him. "Oh, forget him. He'll calm down and you guys can talk about this rationally rather soon I'm sure." She said, trying to console Phil. She rubbed his back comfortingly and offered a smile. "I'm so sorry, Phil."

Phil took a deep breath in. "'Forget him.' If only." He mocked Louise, mumbling almost. He took a sip of his coffee and sighed. "Let's go get that game, shall we?"


	4. The Talk

A couple days had passed since the coffee shop incident with Louise. Dan had calmed down and had been mentally preparing himself for this big talk with Phil. If he had it his way, he'd never talk about it at all. But, still, a part of him always wonders what it would be like to be that close to Phil, like he'd written about in his journal. Clearly Phil was open to it. That hard part was over. Now they were on to the next one... Talking about why and when all of these feelings began to develop.

But Dan didn't really know. So he had to really think on it. That's why it had been taking so long. Him admitting these thoughts to himself enough to write them down in a journal was all he had been comfortable with two months ago when he walked in on Phil drinking coffee and nonchalantly reading his deepest darkest secrets in physical form. After that, he'd clammed up again. He was scared. Confused. He felt violated. He was a bit angry as well, but it faded quickly unlike the other emotions that crossed him. It just sometimes slipped out again as a front because he didn't like to seem weak and Phil had seen the absolute weakest point of him: his romantic, hopeful side.

He could never stay too angry at Phil. Not with a face like that. Not with a giggle that echoed down their halls when he saw something funny online even when he didn't want to hear it lately. Not with those big blue eyes that peered at him from across the room as they ate dinner.

Phil was stationed in the living room in his normal position, on the couch with his legs sprawled all over the place. Dan felt a sudden urge to just curl up against him but he couldn't. It wasn't that simple after all this fighting. It could have been, had he not been an utter twat to Phil the past couple of weeks. Dan had a bad habit of talking himself down. Phil helped with that. Maybe that was why he'd devloped all these feelings for him.

As Dan walked into the room, Phil looked over at him and cracked a smile. "Hey, Dan. Care to watch this with me?" He motioned toward the tv with his hands. It was some new anime Phil had just searched for on Netflix. "I was waiting for you to wake up before I started it. Plus I've been wanting to watch this for a couple of weeks but we've been fighting and I wanted to watch it together... I'm really sorry about telling Louise."

Dan felt his stomach do a flip. "Really? That's lame." He teased, but smiled back of course. He plopped down on the couch. "And don't be sorry. I understand... I was actually wanting to see if maybe you wanted to talk about my journal."

Phil's eyes widened slightly and he straightened his posture. "Oh. So you're ready to talk about it? We don't have to if you're not, Dan. You can have all the time you need. I'll still be here." He insisted. Maybe Phil wasn't actually ready to talk about it either, but it was now or never.

Dan scooted a tiny bit closer to Phil on the couch and reached out with his left hand. He let it rest on the end of Phil's thigh above his knee. "No, I'm ready. Truly." He said, before looking up at him. "Let's talk. Do you have any questions? That might be easier. You know I ramble."

Phil chirped out a laugh and leaned against Dan's shoulder. "Yes, you do have a problem with that. I, um... I just wanted to know why you didn't think you could tell me. It was written everywhere how you were afraid to ruin our friendship. I guess... I just wondered how you couldn't see that I felt it too... I mean I just sort of figured things out completely myself but... I was in the process this entire year. I felt the same way. Just wasn't completely there yet until, well, recently. But I'm your best friend you should have known I would have been okay with it even if I didn't feel the same way."

"I was afraid I was being too hopeful when I noticed those small things that made me feel stronger for you. Like when you'd laugh and I'd get that little ping in my stomach. And when you order my coffee for me sometimes. I love that. But then you're always brushing off the fans when they notice them too so I was very confused..." Dan explained. "I guess I just wanted us to stay the same so our friendship couldn't get ruined if things didn't work out. But I felt like everything was ruined after you found that damn journal. You knew I loved you by the time I caught you."

"That damn journal opened up an entirely new chapter for us, you do know that right?" Phil replied. "We can mix up our routine. Go out on the town more. We can be open about how we feel. No more pent up emotions. We can be 100% ourselves now... Isn't that exciting?" He smiled more and more as he spoke. He kept getting excited with everything Dan said too.

If he'd known this is how it was going to play out, he would have been more open to the idea.

"I suppose that is pretty exciting..." Dan mulled over the idea in his head. He looked to Phil, wondering why he smelled so different today. "Are you wearing a new cologne?" He asked.

"Why yes, thank you for noticing. I'm awful close to you, aren't I? I can move away..." He laughed, scooting back. "We don't have to hide anymore then? I feel like we should tell our families-"

"Not to dull the moment, but tell them what exactly? That we have school girl crushes on eachother?" Dan said, interrupting him with words and by tugging on his shirt so he'd fall back into the crease of the couch with him. "Don't move away. This is new, yes, but we should try to enjoy it, yeah?"

Phil felt a blush creeping up his neck and into his cheeks. "I suppose so. But we both know this is more than two school girl crushes."

"Suppose so what? That we should enjoy it or that we should tell our families?" Dan said.

"Both, of course." Phil said, mushing a chaste kiss to the side of Dan's face.

Dan leaned in to the kiss and slowly trailed his fingers up Phil's thigh. "I'm afraid. I'm still afraid." He said, quietly. His tone had changed entirely. "What if something happens and we can't do this anymore?"

"Do what? What do you mean?" Phil asked, running a hand through Dan's hair. He always did enjoy his hair pushed back.

"What if we get together and then we break up after a while. That shit tears me apart. I won't be able to not have my absolute best friend in my life, Phil."

"Then we'll just have to work things out forever then won't we?" He teased, kissing lower on his face, at the edge of his jaw line. It was still in total innocence. "By the way. I told you I have a journal too. Would you like to read it? It's only fair."

Dan rolled his eyes and leaned back against the couch instead of into Phil. "Nothing's fair, you violated my privacy! But... Now that everything's out in the open I may never get a chance to get even, so..." He teased, laughing, then getting a little lost in his train of thought. He hesitated a moment remembering where he was, "But yes. I'd quite like that, if you don't mind. Can I take it with me to bed tonight?"

"Sure thing. My last entry was this morning. Just so you know." Phil said, pressing play on the Netflix menu. "Now, let's watch some fake dudes with crazy abs and nice hair." He set the remote on the coffee table and leaned back on the couch.

Dan curled up and laid in his lap, happy as could be. "We should let Louise know we aren't at eachother's throats anymore." Dan laughed.

"Yes we should." Phil said, pulling out his phone to text her right then. He was playing with Dan's hair with his free hand. Neither of them could help but to feel like this was the way things always should have been.


	5. Phil's Journal

Dan decided that since he finally had a day to himself in the house (or so he thought) that he would sit down and read Phil's journal. He made a cup of tea and made his way to the living room. His hand writing was much better than his own, he had to give him that. It also looked like he had a problem with the word diary. Was that a society-induced panic when he realized he liked males? Anyway.

Sitting down in his normal couch-crease position with a cup of tea on the nearest table he had planned to begin reading. But he had noticed the paper taped over the word Diary on the outside and was pondering it a while before he actually started to read. God was it hard to stop thinking about Phil and all the silly little things he did.

Squirming around until he got comfortable, he finally began to read. He was simulataneously sipping from his tea which was just now the right temperature for doing so.

 _ **1 1 2013**_

 _I finally got around to buying a journal. Okay I know it says diary on the cover, but it doesn't matter! (mental note: get a marker to change diary to journal) I need to get my bearings straight. It won't do it justice if I keep all my thoughts in my head. I think my head will literally explode if I do. There are some secrets I won't even allow Dan to know. I KNOW. Dan's my best friend and best friends tell each other everything. Maybe not everything though. There are some secrets meant to stay secrets. I'll shut up now. I'll write more tomorrow._

 _ **3 15 2013**_

 _I'm terrible at this keeping a journal thing. I haven't touched this journal since I wrote the first entry. I've just been really busy lately and it's hard finding time to write in here without the fear of Dan walking in any moment and seeing me with this thing. Not that I'm ashamed to let him know I keep a journal... (mental note: get a more permanent marker to write journal on the front… the words are already fading). I just like having a physical item that I can keep to myself. This journal makes me feel invincible somehow, like the words I write will have a powerful effect to the world, even if the world won't ever see it. I just yawned. I'm tired. I'll try to write something more meaningful next time._

 _ **3 18 2013**_

 _Dan had another existential crisis. Typical. He's still laying in the hallway as I'm writing this. What am I going to do with him? He skipped dinner. I knew I shouldn't have made him play that game. Now he's questioning life and death and all the other things that come with an existential crisis. I'll leave him to his own devices for now. He needs a little time to himself to get his head back together._

 _ **23 5 2013**_

 _Sorry I haven't written. (I'm apologizing to a book; I'm not sure why.) I found a flower crown in Dan's room. Should I ask him about it? It's probably a prop for his next vid. There's nothing wrong with a grown man owning a flower crown. If he wants to own a flower crown I should let him do it in peace, as long as it makes him happy. I love seeing Dan happy. He smiles more when he does._

 _ **6 7 2013**_

 _Thinking about doing another Tumblr Tag vid. Gonna need Dan again for this. I think it's fun looking at all the crazy stuff on Tumblr. Especially the stuff about us. When it isn't lovey-dovey stuff about Phan, there are some pretty amazing posts we stumble upon. (mental note: consider doing a vid about reading phanfics)_

 _ **9 7 2013**_

 _Dan bought another leather shirt! Is he serious? He bought the first one as a joke! Why did he buy another one if he isn't going to go around town wearing it? Maybe I should start considering monitoring his wardrobe. He has too much black in there. Not that I mind the black. But I want to see more color in that closet. (mental note: buy some sort of bright-colored shirt for his birthday)_

 _ **11 7 2013**_

 _NOOOOOO! The internet can be a horrifying place. Why I came across that phan fic I was ruined. I don't know. My life is supposed to be free of porn! I'm already sensitive to swearing, let alone uncensored skin peeling. -shudders- I bet Dan would like some of the OTHER fan fiction I've found by my lonesome if I showed it to him, though. He watches more porn than I do. Ugh. I need to up the protection on my laptop._

No wonder Phil had read so much of his journal. He must have been reading for weeks to get to the point he had in his own journal. Dan wrote a lot. Dan heard the door creak and looked toward the door frame as Phil entered. "I like your writing, but there's nothing really in here about me other than my terrible taste in clothing. Thanks, by the way." He laughed gingerly.

Phil leaned down and pressed a kiss to the top of Dan's head. "You'll get there. Keep reading." He said, plopping down next to him.

"Are you sure you're okay with me reading these? I feel like I'm doing something wrong." He said, more quiet now.

Phil flipped through the channels on TV. "I'm sure. Just keep reading. I want you to know everything." He looked over at him now. "About me, about how I feel. About everything. I mean it."

Dan took that as a genuine yes to continue, and looked down at the book once again.

 _ **8 8 2013**_

 _I can't stop staring at Dan lately. I just can't. I feel good whenever I look at him. He's this wad of handsomeness I want to keep with me forever. Is it normal for best friends to think of each other like that? I hope so. It would be creepy to think that being fond of your best friend like this could mean something more. Especially since Dan's a guy and I'm a guy._

 _ **9 8 2013**_

 _Did I mention Dan has nice eyes? His brown eyes remind me of chocolate... They just have all these little swirls of different browns in them and it makes me feel weird. I like to look at them. I like being able to look at them and it not being weird because he doesn't notice most of the time, even when I'm close. He can be so oblivious. (mental note: lay off the chocolate)_

 _ **9 10 2013**_

 _Dan fell asleep on my lap while we watched a movie. Totally normal. Not the first time it's happened. But I was blushing like crazy. My face was so red I thought it would cause my body to catch on fire. Ha… AmazingPhilonfire. I think that means my brain is tired. I'm getting sleepy. Thankfully Dan didn't notice when he woke up. God, I need to get a girlfriend._

 _ **23 10 2013**_

 _Still can't stop staring at Dan. I think I might need to consult a therapist._

 _ **31 10 2013**_

 _No therapist needed. Also no scariness needed, I'm scared enough. (it's Halloween if you hadn't noticed) I consulted Google, though. I think I'm on the clear for now. We're just... best friends to the point it looks like we're gay... when we're both not. Am I gay? I don't think so. I still like boobs. I'm feeling very confused lately, journal. (P.S. The marker faded away again so I taped a piece of paper to the front with journal written on it. That should do it.)_

 _ **11 11 2013**_

 _SOOOOO it turns out Dan has a journal too... How had I not noticed? He left it lying around on the sofa when he was on a rush to meet with PJ. I read it while he was gone. And bloody hell I'm screwed. He likes me. Okay he loves me but saying it makes it more real. DAN HOWELL IS IN LOVE WITH ME. I'm too freaked out to think straight. What do I do? What do I say? Should I let him know I know how he feels about me? Now that I think about it maybe this does explain why I can't stop staring at him. Normal best friends don't do that on a daily basis. UGH. I need to watch some Buffy. Buffy will help me._

It felt like hours had passed when he looked back up, but it'd only been about twenty minutes. He sipped from his tea. "Phil, you're so cute. I hate saying that. It sounds funny saying it aloud, but... Truly. Your writing here is just so god damn adorable. You're like a school girl. I recommend reading about someone gradually falling in love with you to anyone who's having a bad day."

Phil groaned. "Shut up. Just read the stupid thing."

"Yes, sir." He teased him. Phil felt a flutter in his stomach at that, and looked away quickly. What did that mean?

Dan looked back to the book and set his cup down again. He kept reading.

 _ **25 11 2013**_

 _I still don't know how I feel about Dan. But I'm growing more and more concerned. The other day he dropped his bag and when I went to help him pick it up, our hands touched and I felt like a school girl. I'm upset. My life is like the cheesiest anime ever. A really gay, angsty, cheesey anime._

Dan laughed and looked over at him. "You say it here, yourself. Oh, how I love your school girl anime crush on me."

Phil groaned. "Just read it!"

 _ **24 12 2013**_

 _Tumblr isn't helping me sort out my feelings. It's almost Christmas and I bought Dan a lot more than I usually do this year. I'm not sure why. I just felt the need to spoil him. He's been having a rough go of it lately and I wanted to make him feel important. I think he has that thing where you get more depressed around certain seasons and with certain weather. I don't know what I'm talking about. It's getting late. I'll write more after Christmas._

 _ **26 12 2013**_

 _Christmas was lovely this year. We both liked our presents and visited with family too of course, away from one another. But all I could think about was if Dan was standing under a mistle toe at all. I wondered if anyone was kissing him, and I was hoping he wasn't trying to replace me with someone else. I wonder what it would be like to kiss Dan. Would it feel nice? I've kissed girls before, it'd probably be the same... Would it be how the fans dream it would be? Wait why am I curious about kissing Dan when I'm not even with him? I've read enough of his journal to know he's curious too, and about me specifically but... Am I in love with him? Or am I just developing a crush? Have I always had a crush on Dan but never even noticed myself? I'm so confused..._

 _ **31 12 2013**_

 _If Phan became official, the fans would go insane. We're going to a party tonight and I know I'm not going to be able to NOT stare. He always looks so good when he gets all dressy. I won't be able to help myself._

 _ **1 1 2014**_

 _It's offically 2014 and its officially 12:30pm and Dan is in my bed. No, it's not what it sounds like. It's risky but Dan is asleep next to me on my bed. He got pretty drunk last night and fell asleep in my room. I slept on the couch but he's not awake yet and I wanted to be in my room again. I'm right next to him writing in my journal. It feels so risky. Stop staring at Dan, Phil. He knows. At this rate I'll have to claw my eyeballs out just so I won't have to look at Dan even when the temptations hit. He's just laying there, all peaceful and whatnot. I just want to reach out and move the hair from his face. It must be tickling him by now. Every time he breathes it moves more and more across his nose. Poor thing. He'll wake up soon. I'll write again soon._

 _ **12 1 2014**_

 _Dan does have nice legs and a toned chest though._

 _ **13 1 2014**_

 _Dan would be a perfect boyfriend. I've lived with him long enough to know all his flaws and quirks. He puts up with me and I'm happy when I'm with him. If we weren't best friends I wouldn't know what to do. No one can replace Dan._

 _ **15 1 2014**_

 _Dan saw me reading his journal. I'm screwed. We fought. I'm an emotional wreck. I can barely write words in here. My hands are shaking. It's raining outside. How fantastic. He's so pissed off at me, and it's breaking my heart. I hate fighting with him. I knew I was bound to get caught eventually but I was just so curious as to what he was saying about me. Lord knows I write enough about him... I am so in the wrong here. I am a douche._

 _ **20 1 2014**_

 _Dan's still mad at me. I don't want him to be mad. I want my Dan back. There's a new anime I want to watch with him. I don't want to watch it by myself. It's one I think he'd like._

 _ **25 1 2014**_

 _I think I like Dan. I think I definitely like Dan and I think maybe my crush on him is making him way more uncomfortable than before he knew that I knew he liked me. I think he knows I like him too... Maybe it's time to try to talk about it... We fought so bad the other day and I think that's when the thought hit me, that I truly do care for Dan... Crushing is okay though, right? Crushes can go away. Maybe this one will go away. It's fine, Phil. Everything will be fine. On my agenda today: don't piss off dan because when he cusses as me it feels like knives in my chest over and over again for days._

Phil looked over at Dan after hearing a sniffle. "Dan what's wrong?"

"I was so fucking mean to you..." He said, wiping his eyes. "Why was I so mean?"

"You felt the way you should have felt, Dan. I invaded your privacy. You were angry. You had every right to be. And I'm still sorry."

"You don't have to be. I'm so happy things finally came out. This is the way they were supposed to be all along." He said, leaning over and wrapping his right arm around the other man's neck. "I'm so sorry I was rude though. I was just scared and really confused about how you felt and how I felt and I never meant to actually hurt you."

Phil rested his hands on Dan's arm that was around him and leaned his head against Dan's. "It's okay, Dan. Really. I promise. I was over it the moment you came out here and talked to me. I thought you never would."

"Me too. I thought I'd never have the courage to come out and truly tell you how I felt. I knew if I didn't just do it right then yesterday that I never would and our friendship would have been ruined. So I did it."

"I'm so glad you did." Phil replied, looking into Dan's dark eyes. He was so close. He'd never been this close for this long before. He cracked a smile. "You make me want to kiss you."

"Do it, you won't." He teased, leaning away.

"Come back!" He said, pulling on his arm. "I like having you that close."

"Are you sure? I probably smell funny. I haven't showered since yesterday morning."

"No, Dan. You don't smell." He laughed and leaned over quickly pressing a kiss to Dan's lips.

"Your lips are really soft."

"Shut up." Dan said, rolling his eyes and leaning back over again and kissing him more slowly now. "Is this okay?" He said, unsure.

Phil met eyes with him once again and nodded ever so slightly. He tangled his fingers in to Dan's hair and tugged him closer again, almost on top of himself. He kissed him deeper then, and wow did it feel good no longer fighting the urges.

Dan smiled and then let out a small laugh. "I'm supposed to be reading, Phil."

"Screw it." He said, waving it off behind Dan's back.

"Oh come on, I'm almost done! We have our whole lives to do this, don't we?" Dan nudged him.

Phil sighed, rearranging himself to hide his halfie. "I suppose you're right. Look what you've done to me though. You're mean." He motioned toward the space between his thighs.

Dan shook his head. "Not the first time it's happened from what I'm reading here on page ... what is it?" He looked down at the book.

Phil shoved him, "Actually shut up!" He laughed, and stood up, walking out of the room.

"You love me." Dan shouted.

"You're not wrong." Phil replied loudly, now in the kitchen.

 _ **26 1 2014**_

 _Everything is not fine. I don't think this is just a crush. I think I might love Dan. We're still fighting but I hope he'll open up to me soon. Any time I bring it up or try to joke with him or flirt even the slightest bit, he starts yelling at me. I wish I could make myself stop but it's like my true feelings are slipping through the cracks lately. I'm so scared. What if he never comes around? I can't be stuck like this forever can I?_

 _ **30 1 2014**_

 _Love is a battlefield. They weren't kidding about that. Fighting my feelings for Dan is hopeless. I can't. Who can fight those lovely brown eyes of his? Even Louise notices and she's telling me not to ignore my feelings. I can say it. The more I say it, the more I'll get used to it. Alright, here it goes: I'M IN LOVE WITH DANIEL JAMES HOWELL. There. I feel a little better. It's the truth, though. And you know what? Loving Dan may be the best feeling in the world when I'm honest about it. I think I may tell him too some day. It just has to be the right time..._

It just has to be the right time. Dan smiled. It was finally the right time. Things were finally right. Things were finally going well again. Things were finally how they were supposed to be.

"Tell me you love me, Phil." He shouted again, over his shoulder.

"Daniel James Howell, I am in love with you." He said, smiling as he said it. He'd never said it out loud. Only in his journal. Anything for Dan. He didn't even hesitate.


End file.
